2022 Year In Review
That’s a wrap on another fantastic year of hijinks and atrocities. Thanks for being a small contributing factor to our ongoing success as an anthropocene. So much has happened, it’s hard to believe that it all just happened this year. So to give you a refresher on what we’ve been through, M2 has collected all the important events as they happened as well as unimportant celebrity shenanigans because they sucked up so much airtime.
You might ask yourself, but the year isn’t even over? I don’t make the rules about how getting things to print and having bimonthly publications work ok. As you read this I’m probably already writing about 2023.
Jan 27 – Microsoft v Blizzard
In January, Microsoft posted its intent to buy the game developer Activision-Blizzard for $68.7 billion, making it the largest acquisition of a tech company ever. This means that Microsoft now controls franchises like World of Warcraft and massive franchises like Call of Duty could possibly be pulled from the Sony Playstation one day if Microsoft was vindictive enough to give the Xbox a couple more exclusives.
Jan 27 – Omicron Gone Wild
We’d been idling in the double digits for Covid over January, but by mid-February case numbers violently peaked just in time for New Zealand’s most illegal outdoor festival on the steps of the Beehive. Throughout February, case numbers sharply inclined until they hit their all time peak on 6th of March.
Since then, we’d had a steady decline not seeing another spike until mid-July. This unsetted any ideas of having zero case numbers, which was only an idea that could have worked long-term if other countries had even vaguely gotten their act together. Yeah, that’s right, I’m making this everybody else’s fault.
Feb 6 to March 2 – Beehive Freedom Campers
Fed up with lockdowns, vaccine mandates and a perceived lack of freedom of choice, around a thousand protesters collected on the steps of the Beehive to give Jacinda a piece of their mind. Few politicians went out to meet the crowds and the deuce of responsibility rolled downhill until it plopped steaming in the laps of an overwhelmed Wellington police. Trevor Mallard did what he could by turning the sprinklers onto the crowd in what was widely considered a dick move.
From the inside of the protest, it took on a festive atmosphere with stalls set up around the tenting occupiers. For students and walking public on the periphery, it wasn’t uncommon to be abused. Reports of overwhelmed portaloos were combated by tradies setting up fully functional toilets tapping into the pipes in the grounds.
Honestly it doesn’t matter where you land on this one, one day there will be a bronze monument to those toilets, maybe built right next to the slides that got burned down on the final days of the protest. On the last day, gripping livestreams from inside the protest show rows of police slowly shepherding out protestors and throwing away their tents. But not before a protester starts spreading fires around the site, culminating in more protestors ripping up paving stones and chucking them at the cops.
Over the course of the protest, 40 cops were injured and 250 were arrested. Ardern refused to speak to any of them. Although maybe with the treatment masked locals and reporters were getting, it’s understandable.
Feb 24 – Ukraine Invasion
Biden heralded the Ukraine invasion days before it happened, which was met by scoffing all round. Locals on the border of Russia didn’t seem too phased. But when the tanks came rolling through the checkpoints, there was no denying that Putin had kicked things off. Known only in Russia as a “special military operation” to take out what Putin described as a Nazi-infested country, they made good headway in the first few days. Unfortunately for them, Ukraine wasn’t quite as unprepared as it was in 2014 when Russia annexed Crimea from them. Since then, Ukraine has been building a defence force with a single goal of repelling a Russian assault. The columns of tanks looked grim for the capital Kyiv. The international community offered Zelensky, the president of Ukraine, a safe exit to which he now famously replied, “The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride,” earning a massive morale boost to the nation. The former comedian has since become the poster boy of America’s new proxy war with Russia, who has delivered that ammo in spades. The tank column sputtered to a halt, and hasty retreats were made. Russia’s mad dash for the capital did not go smoothly. People were measuring Zelensky’s lifespan alongside the country’s freedom in weeks. Now we’re drawing toward a full year of resistance. The fog of war makes concrete assessments difficult to make, but Russia is refusing to back down and Ukraine is doing its best to hold them at bay.
Mar 27 – Will Smith the Slapper
Will Smith’s slap was so hard, he slapped the Ukraine Invasion right out of the news cycle. It was this event that gave media the free pass to stop running frontpage Ukraine content. The slap occurred at the Oscars, which nobody was paying attention to this year until Chris Rock took a light poke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s hairstyle, noting it was like GI Jane’s. It wasn’t Chris’s best work referencing the 1997 meh classic, and it was unclear if he was aware of Jada’s alopecia. Either way, this acted as a catalyst for Will’s own insecurities he’d been having in his relationship and used it as an opportunity to march on stage on slap Chris Rock. He then got off stage but continued to bellow at Chris to “Keep my wife’s name out yo f* mouth!”
That may be the best quote of the year. Will then went on to win Best Actor for “King Richard” because that’s showbiz, baby.
Apr 11 to Jun 1 – Depp Vs Heard
Because actors whither and die when they aren’t the centre of attention, Johnny Depp’s legal team got their entire court case live streamed, launching the careers of thousands of Youtube body-reader experts. “See the way her mouth flaps up and down when she talks, that’s exactly what liars do.”
The case was ostensibly over an article Heard wrote for the Washington Post that may have implicated Depp for domestic abuse without naming him directly. Unfortunately for Heard, her performance in court was not well received by either the gawking public or the jury. A high profile toxic relationship was pumped up to only the levels social media can muster, making it a Justice League-style fight between a bunch of people who thought that Heard represented all women, and a larger group who thought Johnny Depp was pretty cool in those pirate movies, eh. It’s like he’s drunk the whole time in those!
Jun 10 – The Whisky Wars End
The cold war between Canada and Denmark officially came to a bloodless end on June 10 when the two nations came to an agreement over a tiny spit of land in the Arctic called Hans Island. The two nations had been contesting the island since 1973 when border agreements left out the island from their descriptions. A little over a decade later in 1984, the Canadian Navy “provoked” Denmark by sticking a flag in it and leaving some Canadian Whisky behind. That very same year, taking it personally, the Danish Minister of Greenland Affairs went to the island with his own flag a note saying “welcome to the Danish Island” and a bottle of cognac. Since then, the two nations have used it as an excuse to trade flags, kairns and spirits on the island on and off. On June 14th, it was officially unveiled that it would be split down the middle between Canada and the Danish constituent country of Greenland. More conflict needs to be resolved with abandoned bottles of alcohol. Queue all of Russia’s neighbours receiving bottles of Vodka on their doorsteps.
Apr 14 – Elon Musk V Twitter
It’s difficult to unpick the fiasco which is Musk’s bid to buy Twitter, it really shouldn’t be as complicated as it has turned out to be. Missing April Fools day by two weeks, Elon put in an offer to buy Twitter after secretly becoming the company’s largest share holder in March. Earlier in April, he was briefly tapped to sit on the board, before backing out. By the end of the month he had sold off enough Tesla stocks and got backing to make good on the deal. Twitter adopted a Poison Pill provision that would shield them from being bought out quickly by Musk by diluting shares if anyone acquired at least 15%. They eventually accepted an offer from him.
Commentaries screamed that Musk would be letting all the bigots back onto Twitter, as if any had ever left, apart from Trump’s account which he said he would indeed bring back online. Things quickly soured and by June he was looking to wriggle out of the deal by citing the number of bots on the platform. They sued him to keep his end of the bargain up, and now that’s where things stand in a two man Mexican standoff where Twitter is holding itself hostage to Musk.
Edit: Since writing this Elon caved and took Twitter because it was cheaper than getting dragged through court.
Jul 8 – Boris Quits
The wheels were already flying off Johnson’s Tory party before now, just the month before he had barely survived a vote of no confidence. The rules dictated that he was immune for another 12 months, but that doesn’t mean everyone else can’t just up and leave instead. On the 7th, a record number of MPs quit – over 40 left over a 24 hour period. The wave was triggered by one last straw placed on the camels back when he fumbled and fibbed his way through the handling of sexual assault allegations within his cabinet. It marked yet another gaff for the beleaguered Prime Minister who found it impossible to stop partying throughout lockdowns and the death of his monarch’s husband. Boris stubbornly held out for another day. His leaving speech was marked by all the elegance of his time spent in office.
“And I want you to know how sad I am to be giving up the best job in the world. But them’s the breaks.”
Jul 8 – Shinzo Abe Assassin
Shinzo Abe was a divisive political figure in Japan, but it wasn’t his politics in particular that led to his death at a political rally outside a train station in Nara City, it was his association with the Korean Unification Church, believed to be a cult by many.
The alleged assassin’s name is Tetsuya Yamagami, and he blames the church for the brainwashing of his mother, who bankrupted the family by selling all their property and sending all their savings to the church including any money for further education for Tetsuya and his brother, who would later commit suicide. Allegedly, his uncle was also unable to continue sending the family money for food as Tesuya’s mother would instead direct it to the church. Tetsuya told police that his first preference was to take out Hak Ja Han Moon, the church founder’s widow, but she wasn’t going to be visiting Japan with Covid on the prowl so he just went for the next closest thing, Shinzo Abe, who had endorsed the church in the past.
With a renewed interest in the church and other people coming out with similar stories, the ruling party’s connections to the church has led to massive declines in their popularity. They have gone into damage control, shuffling cabinet to remove anyone with close ties to the group. So I guess Tetsuya Yamagami won? That’s quite a moral to take away from this one.
Aug 2 – Nancy Pelosi Visits Taiwan
Apparently fearing that there isn’t enough war at the moment, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made a special visit to Taiwan to press the flesh and enrage mainland China.
This is the first time a U.S. House Speaker has visited Taiwan in 25 years. China isn’t keen on anyone legitimising Taiwan as its own sovereign country by going and visiting it, and they view the island as folding into their One-China Policy.
In response, China has been doing military manoeuvres nearby, pressing their luck and letting everyone in Taiwan know that they aren’t far away.
Aug 8 – Trump gets Raided
Wanting to prove that he can mishandle top secret documents as well as any Clinton, Trump stored multiple documents at his Mar-a-Lago resort mixed haphazardly with other memorabilia from his presidency, including cover art from the Times featuring him. The National Archives had quietly been trying to crowbar documents off him since he left office. They received a couple in January, and then again in June, but were aware that he was holding onto more so ended up sending in the FBI to retrieve the rest.
It all blew up when Trump mentioned he was getting raided on his Truth Social app. Things got extra spicy when the Washington Post went out on a limb and left a single line in an article suggesting from “people familiar with the investigation” that “documents relating to nuclear weapons were among the items FBI agents sought”. On social media, this line turned into “Trump has launch codes on his coffee table.”
Trump tried to say that he had declassified documents in his possession, but apparently declassifying them was classified information because no one had heard about that until now. Mishandling documents won’t bar him from running for president again, but “removal or destruction of government records” sure could.
Trump is the gift that keeps on giving the best headlines, and we’re sure to be seeing this one in the headlines for months to come.
Aug 11 – Sharma Goes Rogue
Perhaps inspired by some beef going down in National, or maybe inspired by his very own office, Labour MP Gaurav Sharma (spoiler alert, now independent MP) wrote an opinion piece for the NZHerald about institutional bullying within the Beehive. He alleged that “when an MP raises serious concerns, the Parliamentary Service steps back, stonewalls the conversation, ghosts the MP and throws them to the whip’s office to be gaslighted and victimised further so that the party can use the information to threaten you about your long-term career prospects”.
The very next day, a former staffer of Sharma gave the Herald another scoop. They alleged that there was a culture of bullying in Sharma’s very own office, bad enough to require counselling afterwards and hiring freezes within the office. From there it was knives out and guns blazing for Labour and Sharma.
Sharma took to Facebook for some time honoured s**t slinging, listing grievances and dishing so much dirt, he briefly became New Zealand’s single largest earth moving company.
Frankly, this saga goes on and on so to cut this story short. Sharma raised concerns about MPs being coached to avoid OIA requests and there were a bunch of meetings by Labour to decide what to do with this little upstart.
As we go to print, Sharma added new drama by resigning and triggering a by-election, scuttling what he believes to be Labour’s plans to push him out using waka-jumping legislation.
24 Aug – Mallard Leaves
Trevor Mallard, longtime MP and Speaker of the House decided that his time in the ‘hive had come to an end. This came off the back of a tough few years for him after falsely accusing a staffer of rape and costing taxpayers $333,000, as well as some poor handling of the protestors at the beginning of the year. Added fallout of the protests saw him even ban Winston Peters from Parliamentary grounds for visiting protestors.
Gaurav Sharma tried using Mallard’s exit to put the boot in a couple more times but it didn’t fly for long.
27 Aug – Nelson floods
Heavy rainfall in Nelson resulted in over 1200 residents and 500 homes getting evacuated. The Metservice said that 178mm of rain had come down on the airport, blowing out the cities monthly August average of 80mm. Mudslides in town and along the roads played havoc as newly formed lakes ingulfed homes. Emergency Management Minister Kieran McAnulty described “literally watching a hill come down. Like pouring yoghurt out of a container.”
The damage was immense and the region is still recovering. Infrastructure affected included drinking water supply, cell coverage, and electricity.
“It’s going to be years of recovery. Some will not be able to go back to their homes,” said Nelson mayor Rachel Reese.
If you want to support Nelson and those affected to get back on their feet, you can donate to the mayoral relief fund here:
shape.nelson.govt.nz/mayor-relief-fund
8 Sep – No More Traffic Lights
New Zealand’s Traffic Light system sounded like the simplest way of letting people know where we’re at with managing Covid and how we should be acting. It was supposed to be our clear replacement for our levels system, which itself got confusing when at one stage we moved to what was colloquially described as Level 2.5. Before reaching the Green light, the government dropped the system entirely, marking an end to mask requirements in public spaces. In many ways, it was the end of an era, and in others it has left the door wide open for the next big wave. In general, the public sentiment toward the pandemic is one of boredom.
Nice try nature, but you’re going to have to give us ebola-style symptoms before you capture our popular imagination again.
8 Sep – Queen Takes Her Exit
The hardest working dole bludger passed away in September just a day or two after swearing in the UK’s new Prime Minister, Liz Truss. This means Queen Elizabeth the Second held on just long enough to not have Boris Johnson speak at her funeral. She was immediately succeeded by her son King Charles III, who has literally waited his entire life for this. Here in New Zealand, this meant a national holiday on the 26th to go scrounge any coins we have featuring her before they all start getting replaced by coins with our new King on them.
26 Sep – Nordstream Blowout
Shortly after Russia announced a new partial mobilisation of its population to go marching into its “not a war”, the Nord Stream gas pipelines to Germany got sabotaged. Detonations left four leaks in the pipes, “two in Denmark’s exclusive economic zone and two in Sweden’s exclusive economic zone,” according to CNBC. Russia had turned the pipes off months ago to punish Germany for its support of Ukraine, but the ocean still broiled with residual gas leaking into the Baltic. Blame was laid by both sides, although no good evidence at this time can pin it either way, apart from a promise made by President Biden in February in a joint conference with German Chancellor Olaf Scholz.
“If Russia invades – that means tanks or troops crossing the border of Ukraine, again, then there will be no longer a Nord Stream 2. We will bring an end to it.”
When queried about how he would achieve this “since the project and control of the project is within Germany’s control?” he responded that, “We will, I promise you, we’ll be able to do it.”
In October, U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken was pretty happy noting that it was a “tremendous opportunity” for Europe to “once and for all” remove its “dependence on Russian energy and thus to take away from [Russia] the weaponization of energy.” He also noted that the USA was now the “leading supplier of LNG [liquefied natural gas] to Europe”.
On the flipside, Russia has had a track record this year of self sabotage, so this is well in line with their New Year’s resolutions.
21 Oct – Bye Liz
Is it open season on the Liz’s of the UK at the moment or something? Liz Truss resigned after just six weeks as Prime Minister, making her the shortest serving Prime Minister in the nation’s history. Fortunately, this was more than enough time to enact a disastrous “mini-budget”, tanking the already flailing economy in short order.
If you did feel any sort of pity for her, you’ll be glad to know that this short stint makes her eligible to receive a yearly £115,000 allowance for the rest of her life for services rendered to her country. You know, serving a full term is for chumps. Sign me up, I’d be Prime Minister for an afternoon just to earn that sort of payout.
