How to Spot a Dickhead: A Field Guide

Isaac Taylor

How to Spot a Dickhead: A Field Guide by acclaimed writers Kathryn Burnett and Nick Ward is exactly what it says on the tin — a field manual for navigating the strange, chaotic, and often hilarious world of modern dickheadery. Less a self-help book and more a survival guide, it’s part humour, part social observation, and part frustrated scream into the void.

The book breaks down the many species of dickhead encountered daily — from the Smug Vegan to the Podcast Prophet, the Alpha Parent to the Comment Section Gladiator. It’s not a callout. It’s a mirror. A loving, judgmental mirror.

Excerpt Chapter:

“FREE RANGE DICKHEADS”

An alternate title for this chapter was “Dickheads in Public”, which caused some debate amongst the authors. Surely every dickhead is a free-range dickhead? Dickheads in cars, boats, supermarkets, weddings, bus stops… everywhere we encounter dickheads is in a public space? Haven’t we covered this in previous chapters? Every dickhead is by their very nature a public dickheads. This is true. However, gentle reader, this chapter concerns itself with the encounter itself.

An encounter with a free-range dickhead can be a bit of a shock. One minute you’re talking to someone who seems like a reasonable human being, and then they drop a really dicky comment into the conversation. Or they suddenly explode into dickhead behaviour. One minute, they’re pushing the button of a cross signal. The next, they’re kicking it with their foot shouting something about how this is like living in nazi Germany.

Other times a free-range dickhead might just suddenly arrive in front of you. Dressed up as Santa urinating in front of a group of school children – “See, kiddies, I am real!” You might see them fighting over the last pair of pink yoga pants at Lulu Lemon. Or you could see them stripped to the waist, shouting at a dog on their front lawn. Dickheads like cold sores arrive suddenly, without warning, at the worst possible moment in time.

You’re having a romantic dinner, and without warning, the couple next to you erupts into a massive argument about which one of them has “the attitude.” These dickheads are having a crappy night, and they want everyone else to share in their misery. Chances are they’ll go home to some steamy make-up sex, but your night has been tainted with their dickheadery.

Dickheads like nothing better than to share their “gift” with others.

Take, for example, the most wholesome of gatherings. A child’s sports team is playing. They’re charging around a field that is too big for them, kicking a ball almost as big as they are. It’s adorable. Then, out of nowhere, a red-faced parent appears, screaming obscenities at the opposing team, at the ref, and their own child. Like a peacock displaying its plumage, this dickhead wants everyone to see the level of their massive dickheadery. They don’t care about social niceties. They are happy ripping up the delicate social contract and wiping their sizeable bum with it. This dickhead is wilfully ruining this game for everyone – including their own child. On the drive home, they will fume about the game while listening to talkback radio as their shamed child sits in the backseat wishing they’d never been born. Once home back in their den of dickheadery, this knobend will calm down and relax in front of a re-run of “The Big Bang Theory.” All is forgotten – for them. For the rest of us, the game has been ruined forever, and we will dread attending future events. Some of those kids might even decide to abandon the sport forever. Such is the power of free-range dickheads.

You see, gentle reader, pubic dickheads have a special power. While they are entirely capable of ruining any situation for everyone, they can just shrug it off. Water off a dickheads back.
The most frustrating thing about this offensive conduct is that it doesn’t just ruin a simple night out. No way, sir. Some of this behaviour affects us on a global scale. Some dickhead thinks it’ll be funny to throw a milkshake over the staff at the drive-through window. Then another dickhead copies them. Before you know it, service staff are being victimised around the world. Then, those staff members begin to resent and hate the general public. Before you know it, our food is 25% spit. Even though we have had no part in the dickheadery, we are suffering because of it.
Some dickhead burns their mouth on a cup of coffee (news alert: coffee is served hot). That dickhead then has a colossal hissy-fit online, and other dickheads pile on, saying they have also burned their tongues and/or penis on a cup of coffee. So, the rest of us must enjoy lukewarm coffee as corporations decide to serve it at a reduced temperature.

Another dickhead who is allergic to peanuts eats a peanut from a bag of nuts because the bag didn’t have a legal disclaimer that states, “DOES NOT CONTAIN NUTS.” Despite the fact that the bag is a photo of peanuts, Because of this moron, the company has forced the recall of all its nuts, a complete rebrand and put a legal disclaimer on the packet that reads, “Warning contains NUTS!” The cost of this exercise is something they hand to us, the consumer. Once again, dickheadery in public has negatively impacted the rest of us.

There are numerous examples of this dickhead cause and effect.

Hot pies with packaging that proclaims: “WARNING CONTENTS ARE HOT.” Fireworks that with a warning that reads: “DO NOT PLACE IN ANUS.” “DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH NOT ONLY WILL THIS KILL YOU, IT WILL HURT THE WHOLE TIME YOU ARE DYING.” “IN CASE OF FIRE EXIT BUILDING BEFORE TWEETING ABOUT IT.” “OPEN DOOR BEFORE ENTERING.” “WARNING URINATING ON THE CENTRE RAIL WILL CAUSE INSTANT DEATH AND LOSS OF PENIS.”

These signs and warnings all exist due to free-range dickheads. They are a constant reminder that these pillocks walk among us. Sometime in the past, someone was stupid enough to touch the wires of a high-voltage power station. Unfortunately, chances are if that tosser survived, they sued the company for a lot of money and won. History is filled with stories of people becoming rich from acts of sheer dickheadery. The old saying goes, “It takes a shipwreck to build a lighthouse”, so every stupid warning sign you stumble across in your life tells a story of some dickhead wrecking themselves on the most obvious of rocks. Sometimes, a warning of imminent death isn’t enough. During our research, the authors discovered a sign that read: “TOUCHING WIRES CAUSES INSTANT DEATH $200 FINE.” Death is no deterrent, it seems, but a fine will make dickheads think twice before copping a feel of some high-voltage lines.

From sports games to corporate policies, free-range dickheads influence extends far beyond mere inconvenience, often leaving a wake of frustration and unintended consequences in their path. As we reflect on the many examples of their impact, from cautionary signs to global service standards, one thing becomes clear: the presence of these public dickheads serves as a constant reminder of the need for vigilance against the destructive forces of ignorance and self-interest. Let us remain steadfast in our efforts to mitigate their influence and uphold the integrity of our shared spaces for the sake of our collective sanity and well-being. Also, beware if you haven’t spotted any dickheads out in public recently, there’s a real danger you might be the dickhead. Now, there’s a sobering public service message.

FIELD STUDY

A bonus piece of signage that reflects some extreme public dickheadery: “We apologise to our customers that we no longer have dressing rooms. Unfortunately, they were being used as toilets and were a public health concern.” We guess free-range dickheads gotta poop somewhere.

How to Spot a Dickhead A Field Guide
by Kathryn Burnett and Nick Ward.
On sale 14 August, White Cloud Books (Upstart Press), $34.99 RRP