Here’s The Latest M2 Traffic Report, Live!

Here we are in the M2 helicopter flying above [insert your city here]. We have harnessed the power of predictability to print you your live weekday traffic report, brought to you by our sponsor the M2 Summit, associating itself with breakdowns and stress since 2018.

Midday to 3pm: Looks like traffic is free flowing currently, if you can convince everyone at work you’re not feeling well, you could probably get home right now in a third of the time. It truly is a sight to behold, a city working like a well-oiled machine. Oh, it looks like a yellow Suzuki Swift failed to get out of the way of a tradie wagon and he’s taken it personally. Looks like – yes – looks like he WILL be following the Suzuki Swift all the way home like a psychopath. Well folks, I guess we know why he won’t be making it to the job site within the three hour window the client dropped everything to be around for.

4pm: School traffic and work traffic are starting to collide with each other. What’s this? It looks like some light showers are coming in. Your commute will be well and truly screwed now. Yes, I’m seeing it now. Some rain has lightly coated the road and the IQ of everybody on it has dropped precipitously. Merging onto the motorways has begun to look less like a zip and more like a cheese grater.

5pm: Hello readers, welcome back to another paragraph. If you’ve just started reading to check how the traffic you’re in is doing, yes, you aren’t hallucinating, you are in fact stuck in traffic. No new information is going to change that. We’re really starting to wonder who this report is even for. It’s like doing a weather report for what happened 5 minutes ago. If you’re considering taking the back roads home, we can confirm a sea of orange road cones are covering the suburbs. This reminds me, Bobby, can you park the helicopter at the nearest clinic? I have a rash I’ve been meaning to get checked out.

6pm: We’re back again in the M2 Helicopter and I’ve got a prescription for a cream. Sun’s going down and it appears that the traffic has moved about 100 metres since we last checked in. The McDonald’s drive-through also seems to be having similar snarl ups. On the North-Southern motorway it looks like a BMW has taken matters into its own hands and is pretending a cycle lane is a T2. The sheer amount of cyclists stuck to his grill does appear to be creating good camouflage.

7pm: Massive queues of traffic are currently being attributed to a minivan on the side of the road with someone rifling through the boot for something. All traffic past this point is absolutely clear.

This has been the M2 weekday traffic report. Thanks to our sponsor, the M2 Summit which is suddenly re-thinking its association with commuting.