How To Start A Conspiracy Theory Cult
M2 is primarily about success. Nothing says success more than consumers giving you most of their income for a product that only exists in their heads. No, I’m not talking about unfulfilled IndieGoGo campaigns. I’m talking about a good old fashioned cult or conspiracy theory. As a wise man once said, “You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.”
1. Have Something For People To Shout
You can’t create a viral sensation without some catchy phrase. “Trust the plan”, “Housing at a reasonable price please” all spring to mind. I’m still workshopping that last one.
2. Prey On Paranoia
Reconfirm everybody’s fears. Yes, the phone in your pocket is cooking your sperm. But don’t worry, you can all give me your phones right now and I will safely redistribute them via Trademe.
3. Create An Opponent
Giving everybody a common goal is a great way to unify your acolytes. Tribalism is one hell of a drug. I usually recommend “The Man”, otherwise “yourself” is also a good stand-in if you’re going for a more spiritual angle.
4. Start A Podcast
The hallmark of a good cult is two guys mumbling smuggly at each other about “the truth”. Build a pseudo-newsroom in your garage and buy an impressively large mic. This is so people know you’re very serious when they get autoserved your clips on Youtube.
5. Start A Facebook Page
Facebook is pretty cult friendly on the whole, and it’s full of bored parents who aren’t quite sure how to use the internet. If they see something appear on their timeline, they just assume it’s true, because why would the internet lie to you?
6. Monetisation
Make sure you have a good range of sugar pills rebranded as “devil-be-gones” and t-shirts printed with indecipherable logos. If you can revolve your model around paying for something that doesn’t exist, that’s even better. Perhaps invest in a Geiger counter or a battery tester. These look sufficiently technological and make sounds or waggle dials occasionally, which let’s your clients know that something is definitely happening. No scams here folks.
7. Work Sex In Somehow
It doesn’t matter if you’re pro or anti, just mention sex somewhere and this should get everyone real fired up. Either mention “global elites” doing it, or make it an entry requirement for using the cult’s coffee maker.