Movember: The Modern Man

For so many people today, life is busy, largely lived online all while being constantly “connected” to our work – and in a virtual way, the world around us. For most, the only time we truly stop is that period late in the evening, when we probably should be in bed ourselves, but instead open up the laptop to binge-watch the latest shows we can’t get enough of.

The third season of Stranger Things recently dropped and it’s a show I have really enjoyed. As a child of the 80’s, I loved movies like ET, The Goonies, The Lost Boys and Stand by Me, so with Stranger Things pulling on the strings of nostalgia from my heyday, it was always going to grab my attention.

But not everything in that decade should be celebrated – and one of my favourite characters, Police Chief Jim Hopper, played by David Harbour, is a complicated, yet flawed individual. While he has many good characteristics and has certainly had to overcome significant challenges (a helpless divorce following the loss of his daughter to cancer), Hopper‘s character is also a throwback to a time where certain elements of traditional masculinity were accepted.

As men often do, Hopper masked his depressed state through his many vices, excessive drinking, smoking and womanising. Like too many middle-aged men today, Hopper didn’t have meaningful social connections, putting work above all else, and with no one to go to, he isolated himself, which led to a very dark place.

For all the progress we have made since the 1980’s, many concepts of what it means to be a man are stuck in that era. The expectation persists that a man must be a fighter, a winner, a provider, a protector, must always be in control while never showing vulnerability. And if you break any of these rules, you’re not a “real” man.

The power of the perceived expectations of others can have a very damaging effect on men, particularly when you believe you have fallen short. As we see with Hopper, in situations where men feel they have failed, as we all do at some point, spiralling out of control into depression and even becoming suicidal can happen all too quickly.

These situations are compounded by male stereotypes that existed in Hopper’s world, and still exist today. Men, to their detriment, often find it hard to talk about the challenges in their life. This is especially true when they aren’t coping.

Three out of four suicides in New Zealand and globally are men. According to Movember Foundation funded research, men between 35 and 54 are at the greatest risk of isolation and have a higher risk of mental health problems, even suicide. Put simply, we need to act.

While it is important to highlight what men are getting wrong and what’s driving behaviour that at times, we know isn’t good for us, I think the most significant thing we can do to help our fellow Kiwi men is to showcase what we are getting right. By highlighting our bravest, amplifying their message and putting up in lights actions that lead a man to a better place, we continue to create a culture where it is OK for a Kiwi man to prioritise himself.

In 2018, our highest fundraising Mo Bro was Brendon Cooley, a physical education teacher at Hamilton Boys’ High School who taught over 2,000 young men. Brendon raised just shy of $8,000. What was even more extraordinary, however, was that in July of 2018, he had attempted to take his own life and fortunately was found by his wife and rushed to emergency services where his life was saved. Only six months later, after specialised treatment and going back on his medication, Brendon shared his story while taking part in Movember.

“I’ve always done Movember, but the one thing I’d say is my moustache is not worth $7,500 dollars because it is very average,” he said. “But obviously my story is probably more relevant to Movember than it’s ever been before, and I suppose it’s hit a nerve with people.

“I could so easily not be alive anymore and I’ve got so many things to live for, but unfortunately when you’re depressed, you just can’t see through.”

Movember has been fortunate to receive the support of Speight’s in recent years. This partnership works well as we are both on similar journeys to help redefine what masculinity is to New Zealand men. This is new territory for Speight’s, and their most recent TV ad where “traditional Kiwi men” let their guards down as they practice for a wedding dance is a significant shift for the iconic brand that – once upon a time – helped define the stoic southern male. As part of their support in 2018, Speight’s initiated a “Designated Listener” social media campaign that encouraged Kiwi men to do their mates a solid, and take turns as a designated drivers to keep the lads safe when out on the town – posing the question, shouldn’t we all do the same when they need us most? This turned out to be the most successful social campaign of the year, proving once again that traditional definitions of masculinity don’t have to define us in the future.

While coming from vastly different views of the spectrum, what I like about Brendon Cooley and Speight’s is that they were both brave enough to tell a story that showed real vulnerability and that this bravery was rewarded. These examples, and many others, indicate that we are trending in the right direction, and while we still have work to do, we should all be motivated for a brighter future.

Tips for the Modern Man

• Stay connected, make time for your friends, and spend time doing what you enjoy. Bro time is actually really good for your health!
• Work hard, but not at the expense of quality time with your friends and family.
• If you feel that someone you know is struggling or isolating himself, make an effort to connect and spend time with him.
• When you experience significant life events, be it a job loss, relationship breakdown, death, or even positive change, such as becoming a new father, stay connected to those around you. Check in, don’t check out!
• 50% of guys don’t have a good idea of the symptoms of depression. We all go through tough times when we feel down, but depression is more than this and can result in persistent low mood, increased anger or irritability for weeks or months. Many men wait too long before seeking help for depression. The sooner you seek support, the sooner you can be on the way to recovery.