The House Pets: Reviewed
Sometimes you just need to stop for a minute and take stock of life. Literally. The number of livestock in and around our house is growing fast. Life is cropping up everywhere in my house. It’s a beautiful thing. Flowers blooming, black mould in the corner of the bathroom spreading. Here’s a quick summary of the various forms of life inhabiting my home, and what they bring to the table.
The Cat
The cat was the first family member added to the household. She was just getting to the placid chillout stage of her life, ready to snuggle at any opportunity, and then we had a kid. She realised slowly but surely that we were raising an ambulating torture device and has since made herself scarce up until 0.3 seconds after the kid has gone to sleep. She then loudly announces her triumphant return only to get silently chased around the house for almost waking the baby.
The Toddler
Perhaps the most decadent of designer items, the toddler is walking proof we have just enough overhead from our mortgage to afford another whole human being. He doesn’t even work! He just mopes around the house with a hotwheels car tucked under each arm and learning a new swear word every day. He is however the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and he only goes through a quarter of a dogroll every week, so cheaper than I was expecting.
6 Chickens
The chicken’s early (but almost very short) life was exciting when the neighbour found one of them four houses over in the jaws of a rather chuffed cat. My wife, traumatised at being a poor chicken caretaker, took it to the vet where we paid $200 to make sure it didn’t die of toxic shock. I thought this was rather poor economics for a $20 chicken. But APPARENTLY being a smart economic thinker makes me a terrible human being.
I forgave them after they started producing eggs and earning their keep. Although one chicken owes me 200 more eggs than the rest.
Four Frogs
I assumed that when we got a cat it would waylay my partner from wanting a kid. I thought that after having a kid it might slow her down from wanting more pets. Now as a fishtank full of jumping snot sits beside me I realise I have been played. The frogs are a roulette wheel of whether we think they’re in the tank or not. Some days we think they’re all gone, only to find them all hanging out in the tank the next morning. Then other times we’ll just randomly find one in the hallway, making a break for it through the laundry and out to the creek to clog our waterways.
Soldier Fly
This is currently in the tank with the frogs, buzzing around terrorising them. It’s 50/50 on whether the frogs will get the courage to eat it, or if the Soldier fly could wear them down with enough persistence. Either way it’s a much more visible, present pet than the frogs.
Wife
After hearing a draft of this piece my wife asked if I could rate her as a pet but then realised that the optics for this, in a men’s magazine of all places, could never be salvaged.
