The Risks Of Marital Breakdown And Some Survival Tips For Men

Men whose relationships break down are at high risk for mental illness, including anxiety, depression, and suicidality, according to a new Movember-funded study.

Research carried out by the University of British Columbia and published in the Journal of Social Science and Medicine – Qualitative Research in Health, has shown that marital separation quadruples the risk of male suicide, suggesting that distressed relationships, as well as separation and divorce, contribute to men’s mental health challenges

“Most men experienced the onset or worsening of mental illness symptoms during a distressed relationship or following the breakdown of a relationship,” says the study’s lead author Dr John Oliffe, a Canada Research Chair in Men’s Health Promotion, UBC professor and lead of the Men’s Health Research program.

“Stereotyped masculinity plays a role in how men react to a broken relationship,” explains Dr. Oliffe. “For example, men’s uncertainty for how to articulate and problem-solve in the relationship context resulted in many men isolating rather than reaching out for help. Most men in the study were battling with transitions in the partnership—like bereavement, parenting or infidelity and their primary goal was to avoid conflict.”

The research follows the publication of a recent University of Copenhagen study, which showed that men who live alone for more than seven years are at high risk of early death. The study of 4,800 people found that men had higher levels of inflammation in the body, which is linked to hardened arteries, heart attacks, strokes and cancer.

Movember mental health adviser Dr Steve Robertson, emeritus professor of Men, Gender and Health at Leeds Beckett University, says: “The evidence shows that, following divorce/separation, and when living alone for long periods, men’s immune systems fare less well than that of women.

Dr Robertson adds: “A significant part of what is expected of men relates to being publicly, outwardly successful and separation and divorce can challenge this image – it can suggest failure, that you are not ‘good enough’ (financially, sexually or emotionally) to hold on to your partner. It erodes confidence when men are meant to exude confidence.

“Men often rely on their partner as their main, safe place for emotional expression and where they can safely open up a little. Men are taught not to share feelings of vulnerability or anxiety or lack of confidence, etc. Intimate relationships are therefore often the only opportunity men must share moments of weakness, vulnerability, fear, etc – they expose themselves in such relationships. This is often not done easily.”

7 DIVORCE SURVIVAL TIPS FOR MEN

After a break-up, try to avoid launching into new intimate relationships. Let’s not beat around the bush: going through a divorce sucks big time. There’s a lot of worry, stress, uncertainty, and a pile of emotions (that can sometimes feel contradictory).

Separation can be difficult and painful, and a big part of that involves adjusting to a new way of living. Help is at hand though, courtesy of Movember mental health expert, Dr Steve Robertson.

He’s emeritus professor of Men, Gender and Health at Leeds Beckett University, and he’s got some top advice for helping men cope and navigate the turbulent waters of life after divorce.

1. Allow yourself time to grieve

Feeling sad, angry, hurt, betrayed, desperate and lost is common after a divorce – and perfectly normal. The important thing is to remind yourself that these feelings won’t last forever, even if at times it feels like they will.

2. Don’t jump into a new relationship

It may not be the answer to lifting yourself out of a dark place. Dr Robertson says: “Dating when your mind is not in the right place can further damage confidence and leave you feeling confused, and might compound the hurt and anger.”

3. Spend time with people who make you feel good

It’s important for your mental health to make the time to catch up regularly and re-establish relationships that may have drifted over the years. Having strong social connections (friendships) has a major influence on our long-term health and wellbeing. Spending time with your friends and having people to rely on in a crisis is good for everyone. Dr Robertson says: “Old friends are often really pleased to be having more regular contact. Some may even have been through divorce themselves and could provide a listening ear, useful practical advice, or just moments of relaxed fun and laughter.”

4. Find a new activity

Try and do more fun and positive things. That means activities or hobbies, preferably with other people. “This is a useful way of distracting yourself from negative thoughts while enjoying the company of others,” says Dr Robertson. “Physical activity with others has known positive mental and physical health benefits.”

5. If you have kids, focus on their needs

Children can often be a source of further stress during separation or divorce. This is because the parent may be grieving the loss of time with their child, and additionally, may worry about how the split will affect them. Focus on your child’s needs, including their need for space or distance, even if that might hurt you or seem unfair.

Dr Robertson says: “Enjoy trying to think of new, interesting ways to spend time with them. A new chapter as a father is opening up with new possibilities. When doing so, remember to put what interests them first.” For more advice on co-parenting for separated and divorced dads visit Movember’s Family Man.

6. Reflect on your relationship

When the time feels right, think about what you might have learnt from this time. Dr Robertson says: “Don’t dwell on what you or your partner might have done wrong, including any guilt or anger that might go with that. Do try to think about what you learnt about yourself, and how you might use this positively.”

7. Seek professional help if you need it

We all have times when we’re feeling low. Again, that’s normal. However, if those feelings don’t pass, and actually start interfering with your life, it could be a sign that it’s time to call in an expert. Check out these mental health support services. They can help clear some of the confusion and mind fog and help you make sense of where you’re at right now.