Another year over, another year wiser… Or not, as the case may be. If 2016 saw a plethora of, erm, questionable choices from a global perspective – Trump and Brexit, in particular, spring to mind – then 2017 has been the year when those choices have really begun to hit home…

January

The world watches, pinching themselves, as Donald J. Trump is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States.

Despite glaring evidence to the contrary, White House press secretary and Melissa McCarthy-lookalike Sean Spicer subsequently claims the ceremony has drawn “the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period – both in person and around the globe”. And thus the phrase ‘alternative facts’ is born.

The next day, millions of people worldwide do, however, definitely join the Women’s March in response to Trump’s inauguration, with 420 separate marches reported in the US and 168 in other countries, making it the largest single-day protest in American history.

Undeterred and determined to make America great again, Trump tries to get his first Muslim travel ban up and running. It is blocked in the courts, but that doesn’t stop the official Doomsday Clock moving forward 30 seconds.

Meanwhile back to the important stuff: the weather in New Zealand is appalling, with Wellington and Palmerston North particularly suffering from the least sunny January on record. Take that, global warming.

Elsewhere, it’s bad news for clowns too – but maybe good news for elephants – as both the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey circuses announce they will soon be shutting down performances forever.

And TV comedy legend Mary Tyler Moore dies on January 25, after battling a number of health problems.

Yes, 2017 is off to a belter.

February

North Korea prompts international condemnation and multilateral soiled underwear by test firing a ballistic missile across the Sea of Japan. Trump understandably responds by having a phone spat over refugees with an ally, Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, eventually hanging up in a huff. Rumours that Trump has fired the Aussie PM are downplayed.

Creating history in a different way, the New England Patriots turn things around from 28-3 down to beat the Atlanta Falcons in the first-ever Super Bowl to go into overtime.

At the Oscars, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway reunite on stage to monumentally stuff up the award for best picture by initially announcing Lalaland as the winner, before backtracking to Moonlight. The error is blamed on an employee of PriceWaterhouse Cooper who has been busy tweeting backstage and hands them the wrong envelope.

On the subject of Lalaland, Madonna continues her master plan to create her own rugby team by adopting two more African orphans.
And Bill Paxton, star of Big Love, Titanic and Aliens sadly gets out of this chicken shit outfit for good when he dies following complications after heart surgery. He is 61.

In home news, wild fires ravage the Port Hills in Christchurch, Jacinda Ardern wins the Mount Albert by-election to become an elected MP for the first time, and more than 400 pilot whales become stranded at Farewell Spit. Around 50 are rescued and swim out of the bay.

March

It’s crunch time in the UK as Prime Minister Theresa May officially triggers Article 50 to begin Brexit negotiations to leave the European Union. All indications suggest an arduous few years, maybe decades, ahead.

The news also seems to derail the England rugby team who, after equaling the All Blacks’ record of winning 18 consecutive test matches (without playing us, we might add), conspire to lose in Ireland. They still win the Six Nations Championship, but Eddie Jones ain’t a happy bunyip.

Meanwhile, Trump is still busy lambasting ‘fake news’ while creating his own. This time he accuses Barack Obama of wiretapping the Oval Office. He also seems intent on undoing everything that Obama has put in place over the past eight years, including signing an Executive Order to reverse the former president’s climate change policies.

New Zealand is getting tough too, expelling a US diplomat over allegations he was involved in a serious criminal incident that saw him sustain a black eye and broken nose. The unnamed man is ordered to pack his bags when the US Embassy refuses to waive his diplomatic immunity.

And while cartoon lovers mourn the passing of Footrot Flats creator, the great Murray Ball, the music world is saddened by the death of rock‘n’roll icon Chuck Berry, whose ‘Johnny B Goode’ will outlive the earth on a disc in the Voyager mission sent into space in the 1970s.

April

‘April is the cruelest month,’ so they say. After heavy rain from Cyclone Debbie the Rangitaiki River breaches it banks, flooding the town of Edgecumbe, Bay of Plenty. Over 1900 residents are forced to evacuate their homes in minutes, with many still not yet able to return.

Cyclone Cook follows hot on its heels, purporting to be New Zealand’s worst storm since 1968, and provoking a state of emergency to be declared in the Coromandel Peninsula. Thankfully the threat is overestimated by weather experts, and Auckland bach owners breathe a deep sigh of relief.

On a brighter note, Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi ad – in which she is seen preventing a street riot by offering a cop her can of delicious beverage – backfires horrendously on social media. The soda brand ultimately takes down the ad, and apologises to Jenner.

Also in showbiz news, legendary Silence of the Lambs director Jonathan Demme dies, and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner finally file for divorce, bringing an end to their 10-year marriage.

And while Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 91st birthday, Donald Trump refuses the invite to a party of his own. Fearing a roast, he decides not to attend the 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, thus becoming the first serving US president to do so since Ronald Reagan, who admittedly was recovering from an assassination attempt at the time.

May

A terrorist attack at an Ariana Grande gig in Manchester, England kills 22 people, including an 8-year-old girl, and injures more than 60 others. The killer, a suicide bomber, blows himself up in the foyer as fans are exiting the 21,000-seat arena. Grande tweets that she is: “broken. From the bottom of my heart. I am so so sorry. I don’t have words.”

Back in America, Trump is also struggling to find the right words as he fires FBI Director James Comey over “this Russia thing”, by which he means the investigation into possible collusion with Trump’s campaign during the presidential election. Trump then compounds his problems by contradicting his own staff when asked to explain the details of Comey’s dismissal. It is not the last we’ll hear of this story.

The Saint and James Bond star Roger Moore dies, as does Soundgarden front man Chris Cornell, found unresponsive in a Detroit hotel room at the age of 52. A medical examiner’s report confirms suicide by hanging. His wife speculates that his death is the direct result of too much Ativan, a mood-stabilising medication.

Computers around the world are hit by the WannaCry ransomware cyberattack. The malware goes on to affect more than 150 countries, including New Zealand, before a kill switch is found to prevent its spread.

There’s no such luck in Vanuatu as Cyclone Donna ravages the South Pacific. It moves on to the Solomon Islands, but is downgraded to heavy rain by the time it reaches the North Island of New Zealand.

Oh, and in a selfie match made in heaven, the shy and retiring Miranda Kerr marries Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel. Orlando Bloom does not receive an invitation.

June

The London Bridge terrorist attack leaves eight killed and more than 40 injured. Police shoot the three attackers dead, and praise those who fought back during the senseless stabbing spree through Borough Market.

Ariana Grande returns to Manchester for an emotional charity concert in aid of the terrorist attack victims and their families. Also on the bill are Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Coldplay (of course) and Liam Gallagher, who naturally starts a fight, this time on social media with brother Noel for not turning up to support their home town.

After alienating other foreign leaders at the G7 meeting in May, Trump announces he is pulling out of the Paris climate agreement, adding he was “elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris”. To which, Pittsburgh mayor Bill Peduto promptly responds: “Actually, we’re with Paris on this one.”

In other news, the horrific Grenfell Tower fire in London causes 70 deaths; Australia agrees to pay compo to people detained on Manus Island; and Bill Cosby’s sexual assault case finally ends in a mistrial, when after six days of deliberating, a Pennsylvania jury is unable to come to a unanimous decision. The retrial is set for next year.

On the celebrity obituary front, it’s bye-bye Batman, with the death of Adam West. And there’s no more Wensleydale, Gromit, as the great Peter Sallis dies at the ripe old age of 96.

On a lighter note, showbiz goes couplet crazy when both George and Amal Clooney and Beyoncé and Jay-Z become parents to twins. A Clooney family statement reads: “Ella, Alexander and Amal are all healthy, happy and doing fine. George is sedated and should recover in a few days.” That guy!

July

The long-awaited All Blacks vs British & Irish Lions test series ends in a draw, much to the surprise of everyone, especially Lions fans. Captains Kieran Read and Sam Warburton appear unsure whether to celebrate on the podium as they each lift a handle of the trophy.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally resigns after five months. Sources state he is taking a much-needed break for now, but may well be looking into other comedic roles in the near future.

Eager to get in on the laughs, Trump appoints Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci as White House Communications Director on July 21. He takes office on July 25. On July 26, Scaramucci gives an interview to The New Yorker, which includes the quote: “I’m not Steve Bannon. I’m not trying to suck my own —-” And on July 31, Trump fires him, citing he may have burned his credibility.

Not that he had any credibility to start with, Donald Trump Jr. gets himself into hot water over mixed messages about his meeting with the Russians, stating they were “primarily about adoption”. Yeah right.

The music world is shocked again by another suicide, this time Linkin Park front man Chester Bennington. He too is found hanged, at home, on what would have been his friend Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday.

And Jodie Whittaker (middle name Auckland) is announced as the first-ever female Doctor Who.

August

The opposition parties are going down like flies in New Zealand. First, after intense media speculation, Andrew Little stands down as Labour leader just weeks out from the general election, He is soon followed by Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei, who has recently admitted to benefit fraud during the 90s. It’s not all bad news for Labour, though, as support and donations surge when deputy Jacinda Ardern takes up the mantle.

Meanwhile, in the chaotic US, protests turn violent in Charlottesville, Virginia, as white supremacists clash with counter-demonstrators and a car ploughs into a crowd of anti-racist demonstrators, killing 32-year-old Heather Heyer and injuring 35 others.

Trump fans the flames by refusing to condemn the far right, instead suggesting there were faults “on many sides”. Even Obama is forced to pitch in, tweeting “No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin or his background or his religion…”

Soon after, Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist, becomes the latest to exit the White House after a tumultuous seven months clashing with everyone else in the administration. He says it is his idea.

Also hitting the US where it hurts, Hurricane Harvey causes catastrophic damage and record-breaking floods in the Houston metropolitan area.

In footie, it’s not the Hurricanes but the Crusaders who are crowned kings of Super Rugby for the first time in nine years. After a dominant season, they do it the hard way and take down a 14-man Lions team 27-17 in the final in Johannesburg.

Big Ben falls silent in London, but only for four years of repair work. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for legendary US comedian Jerry Lewis, who dies at 91. As does legendary British entertainer Bruce Forsyth (89). Good game, Brucie, good game.

September

New Zealand finally goes to the polls. The Maori Party has a mare, Labour makes gains, with National still out in front, but without enough seats for a majority. The nation will have to wait for NZ First leader and ‘kingmaker’ Winston Peters to make his decision. And wait… and wait…

The plot thickens in the ‘Russia enquiry’ as Facebook tells investigators that a Russian company spent more than US$100,000 on thousands of ads promoting divisive social and political messages during the presidential campaign.

Trump makes more friends at the UN with his maiden speech, calling the Iran nuclear deal an ‘embarrassment’. Australia attempts to catch up with the rest of the Western world by holding a referendum on gay marriage. And Kensington Palace announces William and Kate are pregnant again with their third child. No doubt they’ll figure out what’s causing it soon.

One man who could definitely have told them is Playboy mogul Hugh Heffner. Sadly he dies before he gets the chance, presumably with a great big smile on his face.
Meanwhile, just two weeks after Hurricane Irma strikes the Caribbean, Hurricane Maria follows, to devastate Puerto Rico. Trump has to be informed that it is a US territory.

Getting away from earth for a moment, Cassini-Huygens ends its 13-year mission by plunging into Saturn, becoming the first spacecraft (as far as we know) to enter the planet’s atmosphere.

And in other stellar news, Andy and Nate win The Block NZ thanks to a second auction in a rollercoaster of a night. “We’re really stoked that all our hard work has paid off,” one of them says. What drama. What drama indeed.

October

Winston Peters duly plays Kingmaker, or Queenmaker as it turns out, when he announces live on TV – for the first time to everyone, including Jacinda Ardern – that he has decided on a Labour coalition to form the next government. Ardern will become Prime Minister, with Peters himself in the role of Deputy PM. Say what you want about the man, and many do: he’s a survivor.

Survival instincts kick in, but for many in Las Vegas, as a gunman opens fire from a hotel window on a crowd at a country music festival, it wasn’t enough. Fifty-eight people are killed and 546 injured, making it the deadliest armed shooting in recent US history. Trump responds by relaxing gun laws for people with a history of mental illness.

In Europe, Catalonia declares independence from Spain, but it doesn’t go down well. The new republic is not recognised by the Spanish government, or any other sovereign nation for that matter.

Things are even messier in Showbizland. Quite apart from O.J. Simpson being released on parole, the shizzle really hits the fan when more than 50 allegations of rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment and pot plant abuse finally catch up with Miramax founder Harvey Weinstein.

It turns out to be the start of a #metoo tsunami, which also engulfs Kevin Spacey, who is instantly cut from House of Cards over allegations of him preying on adolescent males. Many more are likely to be named, with victims now inspired to speak out against predatory sexual behaviour from people in power.

And, in memoriam, tributes pour in when singer/songwriter, rock icon and one-fifth of the Traveling Wilburys, Tom Petty, goes into the great wide open at the age of 66.

November

How the once mighty are falling: Oscar Pistorius has his sentence doubled for the murder of girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Zimbabwean president of 37 years, Robert Mugabe, is placed under house arrest as the military take control of the country. He subsequently resigns six days later.

In other despot news, the International Court of Justice finally finds Ratko Mladic guilty of genocide in Srebrenica during the 1990s Bosnian war, the worst massacre in Europe since World War 2. He is duly sentenced to life imprisonment.

Astronomists marvel at Oumuamua, a high-velocity cigar-shaped asteroid recognised as the first known interstellar object, as it originated outside our solar system.

In sport, the All Whites become the last team to miss out on the World Cup in Russia 2018, knocked out by Peru 2-0 in the play-offs. The Kiwis lose out in the Rugby League World Cup too, going down to Tonga in a bizarrely low-scoring match.

Talking of going down – on one knee that is – Prince Harry announces his engagement to Suits hottie, Meghan Markle, a mixed-race divorcee no less. No one is sure just how that conversation played out for Phil & Liz at the Palace, but apparently the royal corgis are very keen on the new ‘Markle & Spencer’ pairing.

Back home, Chris and Bex from Wa-Wa-Wanaka win My Kitchen Rules NZ, then immediately announce they have already split up since filming in February.

And lastly, ageing fans mourn the death of teen idol David Cassidy, who shot into the spotlight in the 1970s when he starred in TV show The Partridge Family.

December

December starts with a bang and a buck. The US allows Bitcoin to be traded on the Futures market, giving the ascendant cryptocurrency even more credibility. While in the Mueller enquiry, Trump’s former National Security Adviser, Michael Flynn, pleads guilty to knowingly making a false statement to the FBI, and agrees to cooperate fully with the ongoing investigation.

More focused on crotch grabbing, Trump questions whether it was actually his voice caught on hot mic making lewd conversation all that time ago. Disgraced TV host Billy Bush affirms that it was indeed the current president’s voice on the tape, and media coverage begins to circulate about whether Trump may be showing signs of dementia…

We’re only five days into December at time of writing, but questions abound for what will happen this month – apart from Christmas, of course. If you’re still reading this, we guess that, despite efforts to the contrary from some quarters, the world has not yet been consumed by nuclear war. And we hope you enjoy the holiday season, regardless of age, ethnicity, gender, faith and beliefs. In other words, have a good one, New Zealand. Stay safe, and be a tidy Kiwi.