The King’s Perfectly Reasonable PR Suggestions
Queen Elizabeth the Second ruled for my entire life, until she didn’t. Now I must spend the remainder of my life probably seeing at least two kings gracing all that cash nobody uses anymore.
With the Queen’s passing, her son, King Charles III, has finally ascended the throne to take up his role of doing as little as possible. I know the burden the King now faces. I too try to do as little as possible and I know how difficult it can be to withstand the barbs of anti-royalists/my boss. I’m just trying to live my life over here on your dollar and you won’t get off my back about it. The parallels are eerie. I find myself drawn to King Charles III as a kindred spirit. I alone understand our isolation as I lock myself in the company toilet for an hour so I can scroll through memes on my phone.
King Charles has a PR problem. One does not simply befriend the masses via institutionalised hereditary wealth. He’s been lambasted in the past for lobbying the government for things like better equipment for troops sent to Iraq, herbal alternative medicine availability, mistreatment of farmers by supermarkets, building hospitals and illegal fishing of the Patagonian toothfish, as was revealed in 2015 by the release of his Spider Memos. Disgusting. So how can this deadbeat humanitarian create some good will?
Just don’t be King
The nuclear option is to hand over the reigns to Prince William, his son, and instantly score the Most Gracious Dad of the Decade award. Unfortunately, he’s already threatened to hold onto the job until death do they part. But when have wedding vows ever held him back?
Give us Andrew
Give us Andrew. The Queen’s not here to get sentimental about her son now. All Charles needs to do is cut him loose. Change the locks on Buckingham and don’t give him a key. Maybe let a couple court fees bounce. Consider it a good will gesture. He was doomed as soon as he was snapped hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein. Also, isn’t betraying brothers totally a king thing to do anyway?
Do a closer brand tie in with democracy
Okay, I think we can all agree we’re living in tender times for democracy. It’s getting attacked from all sides and global dissatisfaction with democracy is at an all time high; 57.5% as of 2020 according to Cambridge University.
There’s two ways Charles could go with this. The first is to tie himself closer to the establishment. That means running lines about how the monarchy is one of the main cornerstones of British Democracy, and an attack on the crown is obviously the alt left trying to destroy Western democracy. Makes sense to me. After all, the monarchy is the only piece of the hierarchy that has a vested interest in how the country turns out. Did you ever see the Queen run on a couple years of false electoral promises before diving out of parliament with a golden parachute directly onto the board of some Chinese bank? No? I rest my case.
Failing that, provide an alternative to democracy
Alternatively, if things tilt too far against democracy, Charles is in the perfect position to say, ‘you aren’t interested in democracy? Well boy, do I have an alternative for you!’ and then unite the nation under a common shared goal of invading France, or whatever it is the British historically like to do on their weekends.
