Liam’s Rightful Place in the Valhalla of Beards

I have to admit: I’ve missed Sky. I got rid of it after NZR appointed Fozzie as All Blacks coach back in late 2019 in a truly ridiculous and ill-judged promotion. Even when Razor was appointed in 2023, I remained suspicious – and wisely so as it turned out.

Yet, upon Dave Rennie’s glorious ascension to the top job earlier this year, I knew my self-imposed exile had reached its rightful conclusion – and Sky’s 0800 Customer Service number was called immediately upon hearing the news.

You can imagine how difficult it was to finally watch rugby again through so many tears of joy (and, frankly, relief) that I’d got Sky back just in time to see my beloved Hurricanes finally reclaim the Super Rugby title. And whilst playing with such panache!

Yet it wasn’t just the pro rugby I’d missed, it was the nitty-gritty slog of the NPC too. Seeing Northland and North Harbour have such watershed seasons alongside a massive uptick for perennial underachiever Otago was a real buzz. Plus, the latter also gave me the chance to finally check back in on one of my favourite players: Liam Coltman – and his beard. Wow, it has truly reached legendary status now! His time spent away from my adoring eyes has obviously not been wasted on holding any razors!
Which got me thinking: who takes their seat alongside Liam in the Valhalla of Beards?

W.G. Grace

The OG. The ultimate yardstick all beards must measure up to for lustre, length, frizz and straight up artful greying. Though he was a filthy cheat in his cricketing days, W.G.’s beard was always spotless.

Sébastien Chabal

An angry young caveman in his youth, the French rugby legend has mellowed into an angry middle-aged caveman whilst in his 40s. Plus, we still owe the big fella a major debt for breaking Ali Williams’ jaw back in ’07.

Rick Rubin

Not just a genius music producer, Rubin’s bare feet, voluminous, completely unkempt beard and shabby clothing have created a unique ‘Homeless Chic’ look for Rick’s personal brand. Who would dare – or want to – imitate that?!

Billy Gibbons

What beard list would be complete without the inclusion of ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons? Though the sad passing of equally well-bearded bassist and bandmate Dusty Hill has definitely reduced the wall-of-whisker impact of ZZ Top.

Chris Stapleton

An obvious disciple of Chabal’s minimalist approach to grooming, at first American country music artist Stapleton’s beard appears less proud than those of his peers. But this is an optical illusion as it is only the length of his locks that throws his impressive whiskers into shade.

Liam Coltman

Liam Coltman, owner of the finest sporting beard in New Zealand, take your rightful seat at the long table as Valhalla has a new hairy hero! Skål, Liam. And chuck your razor away.