At the time of writing we’re in election week and the magazine isn’t coming out till long after the dust has settled, making me the most harmless person to write an opinion piece about New Zealand politics.
I’m even preparing to vote for a third party that has no chance of getting in, meaning that even my vote will cause nary a ripple on the political landscape. I originally wrote a whole big thing for National and Labour but you know what, those two are too big for their boots, acting all self assured of their place in the world. What’s the point in MMP if we don’t have some Mixed-Members in there. So let’s make this one all about the smaller parties.
I think everyone is far too sensitive these days, wouldn’t you agree? Great! Keep that in mind while I gently slaughter some of your sacred cows.
Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party
A few days out from the election the Cannabis Party finally got around to pushing a single ad to me on my music streaming platform of choice. Good effort guys. Single issue parties are always going to have a tough time. What would even happen if they got in and legalised cannabis? Just not show up to parliament for the rest of the term? “Our job here is done.”
I think it’s time we all stop beating around the bush guys, I have no idea who your two leaders are. Based on media presence alone I presume it’s just Chlöe Swarbrick with her roguish sidekick David Seymour.
ACT New Zealand
At some point National stopped saying things some National voters wanted to hear, But that’s fine because David Seymour seems perfectly capable of saying them. Much like Chlöe you may not necessarily like what he has to say, but you have to admit he’s good at saying it.
New Zealand First
I have a soft spot for that silver fox Winston Peters but I’m not in the age bracket to truly appreciate him. When I get my Gold Card I’ll change my tune I’m sure. I’d hate to ever ask him a question because he’d probably turn me into chowder like so many hapless journalists before me.
Te Pāti Māori Party
The Maori Party has gone through the works, I hardly recognise it in its current state. If they were a silicon valley company they’d talk a lot about “pivoting”.
One of Freedom’s campaign promises was to “undertake a 6-month Blitz: Wiping out ram-raids”, but with no real indication of what the blitz would entail. Don’t keep it a secret guys, if you know how to stop all the ram raids let us know! Thicker glass? No more Minecraft for kids found loitering in carparks?
TOP is to the under 30’s crowd what NZ First is to the oldies. Unfortunately with a lack of any firebrand policies that get anybody hot and bothered they got pretty much no oxygen during the election. Perhaps instead of sticking to what they know they need to blast more policies like the Greens so they appear on more listicles. Just like the Greens they don’t even need to be real policies. Half of theirs are just “come up with a strategy for X”. I’m constantly letting the mould growing in the laundry know that one day I’ll come up with a strategy to deal with it. Most of that strategy is just forgetting about it.
Overall I give our minor parties a 6 out of 10. I could do with some more variety and perhaps some more options that weren’t set in stone over whether they’d join red or blue. Bring back the Bill and Ben party.