Ram Raids, & What To Do About Them
Back in my day, kids would do things like plank and fall off balconies, or maybe eat dishwashing liquid as some sort of viral trend. These days, kids are driving cars through the front of liquor stores for $500 in booze and cigarettes. I don’t know why it’s a thing now, maybe a tik tok dance made them do it, maybe videogames aren’t addictive enough to keep them off the streets anymore. All I know is that I won’t be camping out in front of Liquor King anymore now that the chances of my tent getting sandwiched between a car bumper and the craft brew aisle is roughly 100%.
My only personal experience with ram raiding is my Grandma, who lived on Waiheke. She was a terror on the road, pedal to the metal around those tight corners. Anyway, she was desperate to get to the shops before they closed. Fortunately for her, it’s hard to close up when you’ve misjudged how much time it takes to slow down after ramping your car over the curb and through the front window of the Four Square. I’m unsure whether she casually walked in to buy a loaf of bread and a litre of milk directly afterwards.
Anyway, I’m seeing a lot of complaining about how someone should do something about the recent spate of ramming. Since nobody else is offering any great ideas for what we can do about the situation, I have put the weight of responsibility on my own shoulders to address the problem. You can send all New Zealander of the Year awards directly to the M2 offices to apply pressure to my boss over our ongoing pay disputes.
Make Solid Brick Walls Look Like Very Convincing Shop Fronts
I believe we should start honeypotting solid brick walls to look like shop fronts. Dress them up with a of couple curtains, put a pane of glass over a row of cellphones and some bottles of Jim Beam and you’re away. Simply keep an ambulance on hand to scrape up the remains of any would be thieves plowing into it at 80km/h.
Outlaw Cars
When guns are a problem, we get rid of guns. When E-scooters are giving pedestrians surprise colonoscopies, we get rid of most of the scooters. When housing is a problem, we stop making them. We have a track record with all these things. No more cars, no more problems. I don’t know how many HOP cards you’d have to give a bus driver before he’d park the bus inside a shop, but I presume it’s a prohibitive amount.
All New Dairies and Liquor Stores Should be Pyramid Shaped
If you build it on just the right angle it’s practically impossible to ram a pyramid, it’d just be a four sided ramp. Vagrants could try all night, but all they’ll be doing is totalling their suspension.
Leave The Store Unlocked
Why do brigands use a car to create an egress? Because the place is locked! Keep the store unlocked all night and you’ve mitigated the problem. Time and again, thieves have caused more dollars in damage to the store than merchandise stolen, it just makes financial sense. Maybe leave an honesty box by the door to recoup some costs. Business owners will be blown away at how quickly stock will fly off the shelves!
I asked my editor how he felt about this piece and he asked whether I was making light of the grief so many of our businesses have had to endure. I don’t take this critique seriously since his only suggestion was “maybe make lava motes” because he’s seen his daughter doing it a lot in Minecraft recently.